If you're a Facebook friend of mine then you may already know my Gramma passed away Saturday. You probably also know that I've been stressed out over the fact she was sick and I wasn't able to be in Iowa with her or the rest of my family. She had cancer and was in hospice for the past couple of months being made comfortable.
What you may not know is that I'm happy she has passed. I love my Gramma Audrey very much, so much that I am able to be happy that she is no longer suffering. Now I have to admit that it feels wrong to be glad she is gone, but after sorting through my emotions over the past 12 hours since I talked to Mom I realize that mostly I am relieved, grateful and happy for her. I'm almost scared to type this out because I'm afraid I will be ostracized for feeling this way, in fact I have already deleted multiple sentences defending my feelings. I am not going to do that.
I wasn't able to be in Iowa at her bedside but I did get regular updates from Mom. Gramma was in pain and unable to really be herself. She wasn't able to do much at all. She was suffering. Now she is not. I believe in God, Heaven and an eternal soul, this belief is comforting me right now. I believe that Gramma is in Heaven. I'm not going to get preachy or impose my beliefs on anyone. I only mention it because my personal beliefs allow me peace and comfort right now as I know that she is in a better place. I don't want to be sad that she is no longer here, because I wouldn't want anyone, especially someone I love, to continue to be in severe pain.
To be clear, I am going to miss her; she was an amazing woman. I mourn the loss of her presence for my family. I feel for my Dad, my aunt and my uncles for losing their mother. I'm not completely void of human decency. I feel sad that I won't ever get to hear her call me Laura Lou again or watch her as she yells at my Grampa for having uncanny luck at Pitch while he sits there laughing and smiling. (She would at times reach over and smack him while he did this.) I will always remember her watching me while Dad was in Korea and Mom was at work, going to her house after school and having a snack of chocolate chip cookie bars and a 16 oz bottle of Pepsi. I'll never forget that the first time I realized grandparents were smart people with wit and a sense of humor was hearing Gramma make a comment directed at my Grampa. (I was about 12 and my jaw dropped while all the adults around the card table laughed heartily. To this day I'm not sure if they were laughing at my open mouth or Gramma's smart-ass comeback.) I'll never forget that she always thought I used obscene amounts of sugar in my iced tea, which I did, but never stopped me from adding more.
Gramma wasn't the cuddly, climb on her lap to get a story type of grandmother, but she did always make sure that each of her grandkids had something that made them feel special. She taught me how to lose graciously at cards but still have a ton of fun doing it. It was from her I remember hearing stories about Daddy and his siblings misbehaving and then watching her watch them as they hashed it out between them who actually committed the crime while the other sibling or siblings got the punishment. She taught me that sometimes you didn't always get exactly what you wanted, but had to do some work. Gramma Audrey didn't coddle us grandkids just because we were grandchildren, we had to wash dishes and clean up.
I don't have an idealized version of her that I put up on a pedestal, she was a real human. I didn't always like her, what she had to say or what she made me do. But I will always love her. I will always respect her. I am thankful she is my Gramma. I wasn't able to see her after she was diagnosed as terminal and I won't make it to the funeral, but I'm okay with that. I was part of her life and she is part of mine. She's my Gramma and I firmly believe she's watching over me know telling me not to mourn her passing, but to celebrate her life.
Your Laura Lou loves you Gramma. I always have and I always will. Thank you for being part of my life. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
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