I do my best thinking at night.

At least I like to think I so, others might say I don't think at all.  That would be false, I think.  I'm just not sure I think in the same way other people think; I manage to connect topics my husband has absolutely no clue how I do it.  When I try to explain to him my thought process and how I got from point A to point B he just looks at me like a deer in the headlights.  I'd give you an example but I can't think of any right now.  I don't have perfect recall and I don't keep track of my thought process for too long.  On to what I've been thinking about so far tonight.  I will admit my thoughts tonight are all over the place, it happens when I get stressed out.  I'm trying to keep to one topic at a time, but my segues will not be smooth at all.

As most of you probably know the husband, Nigel and I are getting ready to move, or in military terms a PCS.  (Permanent change of Station for all my military acronym challenged friends.)  Now most military families will tell you a PCS is stressful, a PCS where one of the stations is OCONUS is really stressful, but an OCONUS to OCONUS PCS I think is the worst.  (OCONUS = Outside Continental US, which also means CONUS = Continental US)  For us we're moving from South Korea to Germany with a trip to visit family and friends between.  So we're looking at 2 international flights one of which will be 15 hours worth of air time.  It is entirely possible we will land in the US before our flight left South Korea.  That combined with the fact it seems impossible for me to sleep on an airplane will lead to a very grumpy me.  I really wish we could afford to fly first class, the seats in airplanes are SO TINY!  And to be wedged in next to complete strangers for 15 hours is, well I'll just say it's an experience.  On my flight from Minneapolis to Tokyo I sat next to a very nice Chinese man, he spoke little English and of course I speak no Chinese.  We said hello and nodded at each other, he would motion to ask if I needed out to go to the restroom or walk around and best of all he would yell at the guy sitting in front of me for leaning his seat all the way back making it impossible for me to eat at meal times.  I lucked out and had very nice seat neighbors on my long flight, but I've heard horror stories.  Though my seat neighbors were nice, it was a little awkward being jammed in so tight with complete strangers!  So if anyone wants to give money towards buying first class tickets please let me know.  Anyone?  Anyone at all?  Yeah kind of thought not...  A girl can dream.

Moving might not be as stressful if we had orders.  They're the military's key to moving.  It's simply a piece of paper, okay a few pieces, saying, "Hey you, you're officially going here."  Right now we have a nice little email saying we're unofficially going to Germany but that's not good enough to do more than look up information on the internet.  And since it's still unofficial it can change!  (It could still change even after it's official but it is less likely then.)  Without having orders we can't get our plane tickets; we can't set up movers to come pack up our HHG (household goods).  Since we don't know when we're flying out of Korea we don't know when we need to schedule Nigel's vet appointment to get his American health certificate, that has to be done within 10 days before leaving the country.  Without his US certificate we can't get his Korean certificate, which the offices to do that are only open certain days and times.  With out all of this, Nigel can't fly.  Besides the fact there's always a chance we'll get to the airport and they'll say "oh, we don't have enough room for your dog on this flight, he'll be on XYZ leaving tomorrow.  Enjoy your flight right now though!"  (Small chance, but again it's happened.)  There's only about 500 more things we, well mostly Seth because to the military I'm just extra baggage, have to do before we leave.  This is where I'm going to say that I wish I knew as little about moving as I did when we moved to Korea.  I was a lot less stressed two years ago.

One of the reasons I'm more stressed is two years ago my grandmother was not dying.  I haven't said much about this to anyone but my Gramma is in hospice with cancer and she's close to passing.  She's been hanging in for quite a while with this, she was placed (checked in? I don't know the right term) in hospice beginning of November or the end of October I think.  (I am really bad at dates.)  I was warned the cancer could very well take her before Thanksgiving, she made it to that though!  Then I was warned she might not make it to her and my Grampa's 65th wedding anniversary, that was December 1.  (65 years!  That's amazing!!)  She made it and was still in pretty good spirits from what I heard.  Then it was Christmas, still hanging in there though.  Gramma's tough, I think it's the Danish stubborn streak..  The family's met with the funeral director to begin making final arrangements.  So I'm facing the fact that there's not much I can do to make it back to see her.  Tickets are $1800, we just can not afford that right now.  I'd feel horrible about not being able to afford the ticket except before I left the US in 2010, I made my peace with the fact that I might miss a funeral or two.  Seth and I talked about it and made the fiscally responsible decisions that suck.  I made my peace with the fact that I might not see all of my family members again here on earth.  Now that we're so close, yet so very far, to flying back to the US I may not get to see her again.  That's what is hitting me hard. 

I had made peace with our decisions; I was okay with it.  And now I'm not.  It just doesn't seem fair that we're this close to being back and she might pass away before we get there.  That being said, Gramma's lived a full life.  She's been married for 65 years! (Again way to go Gramma and Grampa!!)  She's raised her children, she's seen her grandchildren grow, she's seen her great grandchildren born and grow.  I can't say that she doesn't have any regrets because I don't know.  I do know she is loved, she has gotten to experience a lot, and I know that she loves all of her family.  I also know she's in pain.  A lot of pain.  She can't swallow pills any longer, all her pain medication has to come through injections.  She hasn't had much of an appetite for months.  I don't want her to suffer, I don't want to pray that she lives long enough for me to see her again.  I can't be that selfish.  I don't want her to suffer just so I can see her again.  I want her to be happy; I want her to be pain free. 

I haven't mentioned my Gramma being sick because I don't want people to be sorry she's dying.  I'm happy she lived.  I am happy she has been part of my life.  I will miss her when she passes, but I will be thankful she no longer has to suffer the pain that the cancer and other illnesses are bringing to her body.  She will be free of that pain.  I have no proof, but I firmly believe that she will continue to watch over all of us and be the matriarch of the family from Heaven.  If you know Gramma at all you know she's the one in charge of the family, she is the Matriarch.  When Gramma lays down the law, you don't argue.  I believe she will still be with all of us as our guardian angel like my Uncle Bill already is and I know she will still be in all of our hearts.  This knowledge in addition to the fact I said good bye already is what is keeping the guilt from overwhelming me. 

Typing all of this out has been therapeutic.  I feel better about my decisions.  It hasn't been easy to say, "No, I can't fly back to Iowa right now because of money," but to take care of Seth and I, I've had to say it.  I know Gramma understands, I know she and I both said good bye before I left Iowa knowing we might not see each other again before she passed.  Putting it all together in text helps me reaffirm I'm doing the right thing, I don't love Gramma any less because I've had to make hard decisions.  I don't love her any less because I'm still in Korea with my husband.  I love my Gramma, always have and I always will.

Now if the military would just get off their behinds and get us orders I'd be a lot happier.  I'm tired of hearing excuse after excuse as to why we don't have them.  We're 30 days from leaving people, we kind of need them!  As of right now the hold up is my medical screening is sitting on the desk of a Korean woman in Seoul who won't answer her phone and only works two days a week.  Who knows if this is true or just another lie because someone doesn't want to do their job or doesn't want to be bothered to call and check like they're supposed to.  Just another reason on my list of why I'm glad to e leaving Korea.  (Yes I realize that it's not going to necessarily be better anywhere else.)  *sigh* Back to dreaming it has to be better at the next duty station.  Hey, at least then I'll be in Europe.  Alright I'm off to dream of all the places we won't be able to afford to go in Europe and silently wish my parents win the lottery so they can give me a travel allowance.  (I would get a European travel allowance right Mom and Dad?  I promise awesome pictures and souvenirs!)